Naughty Pre-Schoolers Fueled by Liquor Cordials?

Beijing -- A Changping District pre-school has reportedly seen an outbreak of students getting intoxicated from liquor cordials. The cordials, small chocolates filled with high-proof alcohol, were reportedly acquired on a summer vacation and have since made their way into the desks and mouths of a number of young students.

A foreign teacher embedded at the pre-school, fearing reprisals from higher authorities, spoke on conditions of anonymity. "I was just in the classroom, hanging out while the kids were eating their breakfast. Then, one kid, [name removed], came up to me with a bag full of little wrapped candies. First, he yelled, 'I'm a Transformer!' Then he extended the bag to me and said, 'Take one.' I told him, 'Just give me the best one you have.' He handed me a piece in a silver wrapper and I set it aside for later."

The foreign teacher decided to have his snack right before morning exercises, when all of the children and teachers go outside to perform choreographed routines to saccharine pop music. "I was unwrapping it, and while I was doing so [name removed] ran up to me and screamed, 'There's jiǔ (alcohol) inside!' and then spun around repeatedly in a circle while cackling. It was sort of creepy. I didn't really think about what he said at the time, as the kids say anything and everything for attention, but after I bit into it, sure enough, it was filled with some rank, Chinese liquor."

"I can normally hold my drink better than most, but I'd been dead sober for several weeks, so it hit me kind of hard," the foreign teacher divulged. "I'd say it was the equivalent of half a shot. So, when we went outside to do our little dances, I was slightly buzzing. It was definitely the funniest morning exercises I've experienced yet."

A Chinese teacher at the school was later confronted with questions about the incident. With a big smile, she asserted, "We think the candies make you very happy, and they are very lucky, too." When pressed further about the propriety of a 4-year-old potentially getting drunk off of the alcohol in the chocolates, she just smiled and nodded, apparently misunderstanding the inquiry.

An informal survey of behavior in the school showed an abnormally high amount of "naughtiness" and "moody crying." As to what role, if any, the candies played in this behavioral spike has yet to be conclusively determined, although anecdotal evidence strongly suggests a correlation.

[Fake reporting, but really happened]